Things that come to mind..

I can't take it.......

2009-03-31T19:18:00.000-07:00

How do you tell your parents that you can't take it anymore?
I mean if I leave they won't miss me much since I'm a child of four.
Sure there will be an empty room down the hall but its what they've always wanted right?

The same routine everyday gets old real fast
How can I change my future if I keep re-living my past.
I can't move forward, not even back.
This song called Life is on repeat and I'm sick of this track.

This is my life....... my show
So to ease the pain, I can drink, smoke, shit maybe even blow.
But that's not my style, it has no grace.
First things first I gotta get outta this place.
So take a good look, cuz this is the last time you'll see my face.

Matured

2009-02-10T21:33:00.000-08:00

I’m over my life right now. No I’m not gonna go kill myself, this isn’t a cry for help. This is just me venting as usual.

I believe I’ve reached that point in my life where I can no longer live at home. I can’t function or enjoy life by living at home anymore. I’m sure your thinking your still a kid your not ready to live on your own yet. Well that’s where I have to disagree with you. I honestly and 100% believe that I’m ready to venture off on my own. Move out and begin the next chapter in my life because the chapter I’m in right now is repeating itself over and over. I’m not learning any life lessons any more my parents haven’t taught me something I already know so its time for me to learn and stand on my 2 feet. Most kids my age aren’t ready too move out, but I’m not most kids. I’m independent and more mature than so called adults. By staying home I’m just constantly bickering and bumping heads with my family, because I live in their house and I have to do what they say.

I’m over living like that, the longer I stay here, the farther apart I become from my family. Everything I do I do for them not for me for them. Go to college yea they wanted that, I did too at one point but now I’m over it. College doesn’t interest me at all I’ve 8 different subjects to see if anything catches my interest and no luck. Sat through different classes to see if those interest me again no luck. I don’t feel like I’m meant for college I honestly don’t. People I’ve told this too just tell me no just stick with it we all get/ think like that you will be fine. But no its not for me well at least not right now anyway. College will always be there for me when I’m ready, and its not like I’m throwing a scholarship away I’m just at a JC so my parents didn’t lose much, and if they complain I’ll pay them back eventually.

I just can’t go on living like this anymore. Living my life to please or live up to my parents standards just because I’m at home still. I haven’t once woke up and said what do I want to do today. Everyday its are they gonna make me do today, or I wonder what they’re gonna be disappointed at? Yea I’m still young and I don’t know what exactly I’m getting myself into, but that’s the whole point. Learn from experience and the mistakes I will and have made. If I’m in the same environment I’m not gonna deal with new things and it will be even harder for me to live on my own if I’m not susceptible to the rest of the world. So it looks like my parents are the ones who need to do the growing up and just let me go already.

2 ways

2009-02-09T21:11:00.000-08:00

The crazy part about Death,

Is that you don’t know when your taking your last breath.

If tomorrow was your last day

Would you even know what to say?

Did you live the life you wanted to?

Do everything you thought and told yourself you would do?

If your answer is no, then you better get to gettin’

Be smart and start counting your blessin’s

Bow down, fold your hands and start to pray.

Because the world we live in, is the devils playground and he wants to play.

God gave used the path, but its up to us whether we will follow it or stray.

So what you gonna do?

Make a pact with the devil and play his game, just to live a life of fame?

Or pray to God that you can be cleansed from all sins and that he is ashamed?

When your times up the elevator goes only two ways

Follow the path or go astray.

Which way you going?

I'm soo over it

2009-01-30T11:51:00.000-08:00

People say everything happens for a reason, and i USED to say that as well. But lately i'm not believing in that. Seriously all this stuff is happening to me and i have no idea why. God planned all of this? what god? i'm starting to loose faith in this so called GOD. I haven't done anything to go through what i'm going through. Yea I know its not as bad as i'm making it sound but damn. I just wanna wake up and actually have a good day for once. I'm tired of waking up to arguing whether it be me arguing with someone or my family arguing with one another over the dumbest shit. Then getting to school and it seems like no matter how hard i try and study my grades cant seem to do anything but slip. Then i get home, chill for a while of i'm lucky then everyones stress just rolls in all at once. So everyone is in a bad or whatever mood. And to make matters even worse this Economy is turning to shit, which makes more issues to deal with.

Shit if i wasn't as smart as i was, i would most likely be dead. I'm not gonna lie, i've pondered about taking shit just to take away the pain and stress just for a little while. But i haven't even touched the stuff. Or when i feel like i have no one i know i can call up that one guy to sweet talk me and tell me what i want to hear. And again if i wasn't smart enough, i would probably be pregnant right now, by some guy i can't even see myself dating for more than a month.

Life is a fucking joke. We breathe, eat, drink, and do stupid shit to make ourselves feel better like go to college to get a job we "dreamed" about but end up making the same amount as our fucking neighbor who never went to college. We do stuff like that to make ourselves feel important, there's no need for it really. Just think we make money for shit we shouldn't have to pay for. Food that was put here to eat and everyone needs to eat so why do we have to pay for it? We have to pay because people are too greedy to only buy and consume what they need to function.

So this Economy, global warming shit.... we did that do ourselves. Life ain't shit, what you do doesn't really matter so fuck it.

I'M OVER IT.

the new me

2008-11-16T12:28:00.001-08:00

So I haven’t wrote anything in a while, which is lame. I’ve been going through at lot lately too, good and bad. So I’m just gonna write whatever pops in my head. So here I go.

I’m not the same person I was in high school. I’ve changed and matured a lot since and before graduation. Senior year was my wake up call. I was being the opposite of what I was raised and wanted to be. Blowing off homework and studying for tests. Judging people based off their past actions, and following the crowd. This was not who I wanted to be, but I was this person anyways. It wasn’t to fit in, I really don’t know why I was acting the way I was or said the things I said. But I know realize that I was just making myself look like an idiot, and wasted my talent.

After graduation I began to find the real me again. I was no longer getting involved with talking behind people’s backs because everyone else was doing it. I stopped to think about what I want to do with my life. Because I’m no longer letting someone else decide for me, or follow what everyone else is doing. I also began to filter out who my real friends were. By actually thinking if I was down would they really be there for me, or if they just pretend to care. Surprisingly people I considered my best friends or my really close ones were now out of the picture. But the real ones are still a big part of my life.

Now that college started people’s true colors are now showing as well as mine. Going to different colleges from my so called friends is a test for all of us. Just because we don’t see each other 5 days a week or at least once doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends. As long as we attempt to keep in touch and make our friendship stay the same if not make it better, we should all be friends in the end right? But not everyone tried to keep in touch at all, which hurt but I got to keep my head up. I still have some of my close friends who I still talk to at least once a week, some I write to, and some that I actually get to hangout with.

I no longer dwell on the little things in life that the old me would. Like someone is talking about me behind my back. The old me would talk stuff right back, and call that person up and tell them what their problem is and blow things out of proportion. But the new me blows it off and could care less what they are saying. People can be who they are, say what they wanna say, think what they want to think, so who am I to disagree.

I’ve kicked some bad habits, which I’m pretty proud of, made some new friends and found the real me. So when someone tells me your not the same person I used to talk to. I say of course not, but really who is? Some change for the good, some change for the bad and some change to fit in. But me I CHANGE FOR ME. :)

my heart wasn't ready

2008-09-18T16:40:00.001-07:00

How is it possible to miss something soo much, when you never really.
 had it in the first place? You practically claim that you have it or someone 
and then when reality decides to kick in its like a smack in the face. 
You know. You've hung out, had many conversations some just for fun and
 some kinda important. In the back of your mind you begin doubting 
yourself knowing you will be nothing more then friends, but @ the same 
time you think maybe this can actually work. So you begin to let this 
whole thing unfold on its own. And instead of you just thinking it could 
happen, your heart begins to get involved and your emotions grow 
stronger. But there you go again doubting yourself and the situation 
your in, because of what has happened in the past. But your in so deep 
your heart is now overruling your thoughts. By now you've been letting 
this unfold all by itself and notice that sometimes things aren't 
happening in your favor and start questioning yourself. You find 
yourself saying:  you know its not gonna work just drop it before you 
get too involved and just hurting yourself in the end. But there goes your
 heart again deciding your next move. So in the end you finally say to 
yourself: you know its not going to work out right now so just stop 
trying to make it work and getting involved, no matter what happens I'm
 okay w/ it. But when I finally did find out for myself it wasn't gonna 
work by actually witnessing it. Everything my heart grew fond of
 just shattered into a million pieces. I told myself I was ready for this
 day, but I guess my heart wasn't ready.

Soundtrack

2008-09-18T16:40:00.000-07:00

As I turn on the radio, it seems to capture

my emotions....thoughts......

my identity.

I didn't put a song on to fit my mood or make it better.

I just turned the radio on and it seems as if i have my own personal soundtrack to my life.

Each melody expresses each emotion I've ever experienced.

Filling with my eyes with tears, bringing a smile to my face, and flashing memories both good and bad all at once.

No lyrics needed

As one track ends, another begins and

each time its the perfect melody.